Part 1: Why Most Romantic Relationships Are Fundamentally Flawed

Thomas Umstattd Jr. recently wrote an article titled “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed”. Since then, different thoughts have been posted about his article; some disagreed with parts of what he said, some agreed with all of it, and some tied it to a pole and lit it on fire while dancing around laughing maniacally because courtship is the only way and how dare you say it isn’t?!

I am not here because I agree with what Umstattd wrote, and I am not here because I am an advocate of courtship. My family was  seeking the Lord about relationships and He showed us a different way to go about romantic relationships, but more on that in part 2.

His article caused several red flags to rise up in my mind while I read it. First, he uses no Scripture. The only place you will find scripture is where he is saying that courtship is not biblical (which it isn’t), using the examples of Ruth and Boaz (the woman was the protagonist in the romance), Jacob and Rachel (the man was the protagonist in the romance), Isaac & Rebekah (the romance was arranged by a third party), David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba, etc (the woman entering the man’s harem). That is about his extent of using the Bible. The rest is simply his opinions, and, largely, his grandparents opinions.    

The problem with dating     

Let us start with the Bible so we have a foundation to begin upon.

I Timothy 5:1-2 says that we are to treat “Younger men as brothers…. and younger women as sisters, in all purity”.

2 Timothy 2:22 says,  “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”

I Thessalonians 4:4-8 says, “That each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God;  that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.

People date to try to find who they are supposed to marry. As Umstattd’s grandmother encouraged, you are supposed date multiple people to find out who you are supposed to marry.

But how does that match up with Scripture? The Bible says to treat “younger men as brothers…. and younger women as sisters, in all purity” and to “not defraud your brother”. If you are in a romantic relationship without commitment, you are not treating the other person as a brother/sister in the Lord and you can stumble and/or defraud them. If you look in the Bible, the only relationships are husband, wife, father, mother, son, and daughter. Dating (and courting) does not fall in any of the categories. You are not treating the other person like a brother/sister, and you are also not treating them as a husband/wife.

It is really as simple as that - you are not treating the person the way the Bible says you are supposed to. I could go on about how you do not have to go out on a date to find out about the other person, how dating does not necessarily encourage marriage, etc., but really the only thing that matters is what God says. And, if you are going to follow Him.

But, if you really want a more complete rebuttal on dating, you can read it at Part 3.

But what about courtship?

Courting was probably invented as a way that offers more purity for the relationship (always being chaperoned, etc), and it’s not a casual “fling”. If you start courting someone, you are serious about the relationship.

But, the main problem with courtship, as it was with dating, is that there is no binding commitment to the relationship before the couple becomes romantically attached.

I Timothy 5:1-2 says that we are to treat “younger men as brothers…. and younger women as sisters, in all purity”. And 1 Thessalonians 4 says to “not defraud your brother”.

In courtships, even though they were designed to limit heartbreak and they are a lot more serious than dating, there is still the risk of  becoming emotionally attached to the other person before it is set in stone that you are going to marry them.

That aspect of getting into a courtship always bothered me. We are told to give 100% in marriage, yet courtship doesn’t allow that. There isn’t complete trust or falling in love - there is always that fear lurking in the background, What if I don’t marry him/her?

How Courtship Works

In most courtships, a guy notices a girl, and starts praying about said girl and tells his parents and they start praying. After praying about said girl and feeling led to get to know her better to determine if they should get married, his parents give the blessing to go to the girl’s father and get his permission to court the girl. Then the girl’s parents pray about it, and if they give it the thumbs up, the girl is then told about the young man’s intentions. The girl prays about it, and if she feels that he is who she is supposed to marry, she tells the guy, “yes” and they start courting, often chaperoned by one of their reluctant siblings.

But they are still not in a permanent relationship. They still have not become covenanted to each other, and as much as they are planning on and hoping to get married, they don’t know if they will, or not. Despite praying, they still are not totally sure this is God’s will, but they still continue with the relationship.

And then hopefully the day comes when the guy decides it’s time to ask the girl to marry him.

If the girl accepts, they become “engaged”, which is a very serious stepping stone in the relationship. The physical boundaries that were there are often slightly altered as the couple is allowed to hold hands, hug, and their communications are not so highly monitored (though all courtships are different in regards to the physical attributes; some couples hold hands straight from the beginning, and some don’t hold hands until their wedding day). And then the wedding plans commence.

Basically the courtship phase is simply there so that the couple can decide whether or not they are going to marry the other person. It’s like the Christian version of a “test drive”, except with a lot less of the physical aspect and a lot more emotions involved. But it still does not follow God’s parameters of going straight from brother/sister to husband/wife. It is a grey area.

Courting stems from a lack of faith in what God has said. If God has shown you who you are to marry, why do you need to court them to make sure God is right? And if God has not shown you that this is who you are to marry, why are you courting them?

Then what are you supposed to do?

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

Marriage and falling in love is probably the most often thought about event in human history. Ballad’s have been sung, wars have been fought in its honor, lives have been destroyed.

First off, you might want to decide who is running your life. Do you make all the important decisions, or do you allow God to guide you? Or do you follow God until it starts getting uncomfortable and then take over the planning? Our relationship with Christ is the most important thing in our lives. God does not want to just be in a box that you pull out when you need something; He wants to be there, guiding you and growing you up in the wisdom and knowledge of Christ. Marriage, just like every other part of our lives, is something that God wants to be a part of. In fact, since God instituted marriage, it is something that He knows a lot about.

“Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. - Matthew 6:31-33

Do you trust Him enough to fulfil His plan for you and that He will use “everything for your good” (Romans 8:28), which includes bringing you a spouse?

‘Cuz if you don’t, then you might as well stop reading now, and go read your Bible and learn more about who God is, and His love and plan for you. Crazy Love by Francis Chan would also be another good book to read.

But, if you have made it this far, and you want God to lead you in every aspect of your life (including marriage and finding a spouse), continue onto Part 2.