Part 3: Why Dating is Fundamentally Flawed

This post was written in response to Thomas Umstattd Jr’s. article, “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed”. In Part 1, I discussed the main problem with dating and courtship, in Part 2, I showed from the Bible an alternative to the way most relationships are carried out, and in this post I would like to return to the topic of dating to answer some more points that Umstattd brought up.

“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” - Umstattd’s grandmother’s query when she heard about courtship

Umstattd’s grandmother’s question brings up the important issue of, “Are you trying to find the person you’re supposed to marry, or are you trusting God to bring you the person you are supposed to marry?”

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

If you’re trusting God to bring you whom you’re supposed to marry (the same way you’re trusting Him to keep the entire galaxy held together), then you shouldn’t have to go out and find who you’re supposed to marry because God will bring them to you. It’s as simple as that.

And another thought about her question: Why do you have to date to get to know people? Why can’t you just talk to them?

I Timothy 5:1-2 says that we are to treat “younger men as brothers…. and younger women as sisters, in all purity”.

When you are treating guys like your brothers or girls like your sisters, you don't have to go off by yourself on a "date" to find out about the other person. You are able to have real conversations with the other person while you are in a group setting, without worrying, "Oh, no, I'm talking to a guy/girl!". The problem isn't that people need to "date" so that they can learn about the other person, the problem is that a lot of guys and girls don't ever talk to each other because they view it as taboo. To remedy that, we need to stop with this fear that everyone guy/girl we meet is a potential spouse, and treat them with the respect that we treat our own siblings. Just because a guy opened the door for you, smiled and said “Hello” doesn’t mean he’s proposing, and just because a girl smiled and asked how you were doing doesn’t mean she’s flirting with you.

How did Jesus treat the women that He was around? He didn’t ignore them, He served them. The Samaritan woman at the well, Mary and Martha, Mary Magdelene; Jesus was always about His Fathers business.

The author also said to not spend time in groups because "not all personality types open up in group settings", which I completely agree with - not all personality types like group setting discussion (I, for one, prefer one-on-one talks). But, do we really need to be scheming ways to find out about the other person? Does the other person being shy in group settings give us a right to take them out on a date? Do you think that God is too small to organize ways for you to interact with the other person outside of taking them on a date?

For example, we live in Texas, though we’re originally from California. About 6 years ago, God moved one of our other friends from our homeschool group in California out here to Texas. What we didn’t know at the time was that Robert’s future bride was part of that family, or that Miriam had known she was going to marry Robert since she was about 13. But there was a problem: Miriam was very shy, and since she liked Robert, she was even more shy around him. Talking wasn’t even an option for her. So you know what God did? The Harrison’s church youth group was going down to So. Texas to work with a Pastor in his church after a hurricane went through, and Miriam was part of the group going down to serve. The youth director somehow found out that Robert spoke spanish and invited him to come along with them, even though there wasn’t a spot open for more people to go on the trip. Last minute someone wasn’t able to go, and Robert took their place. Robert ended up going with them for the next two years also, and was able to see Miriam’s godly character in action. God orchestrated her family moving out here, and then ways for them to interact without them even trying!

Umstattd also said that you need to date multiple people so that you could know what type of guy/girl you want to marry. Except when you are dating multiple people, you are only going to marry one of them. So what happens to all your relationships with the other guys/girls? Because those relationships will be different than just normal friendships. You liked them (somewhat) or you wouldn’t have gone out with them, but then you decided you did not like them enough to marry them… Those relationships never quite go back to normal. Why not just keep it at friendship level and leave it at that?

Also as Umstattd has already said, barely half of U.S. adults are married. Dating is the least form of commitment you can give to someone while still getting something in return (they make you feel good, buy you flowers, etc). You are not obligated to marry them, you are not even obligated to see them next week. It’s a quick fix - they make you feel fluffy and warm inside, and instead of getting that feeling from your spouse, you are getting a cheap imitation. You don’t need to get married. Why would you?! Things that you would be getting from a marriage you are getting without any effort. Why buy the ring, pay for the wedding and honeymoon, when you can get those basic feelings without all the trouble? And if they make you mad next week, you can dump them and get someone “that appreciates you more”.

I Thessalonians 4:4-8 says, “That each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God;  that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.

Dating is very, very detrimental.

This Summer when some of my siblings and I were teaching the youth at a family camp, we asked them how many partners most people had when they were dating before getting married. They decided that on average, at least everyone has 10 different boyfriends/girlfriends before they get married, though some of them knew people that had had at least 100 “significant others”. Can you imagine?!

Umstattd also states that ”dating is more fun” and “part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.”

Wait, so we’re supposed to choose how we are going to approach marriage based on how fun it is?!

Marriage isn’t about pleasing yourself - marriage is about serving your spouse and being conformed though it more into Christ’s image. Dating does not encourage marriage. In dating when problems arise, instead of being encouraged to stick it out, you simply end it, and move on to the next person. The fact is, once you get married you’re going to have problems, even more problems than you had when you were dating/courting. You’re a unique sinner with your own problems, marrying another unique sinner with their own problems, and they will often clash in the most painful ways. Besides procreation and raising Godly offspring, and as a way to further explain God’s love for us, marriage was designed as another way to conform you even more into Christ’s image. Which means that your spouse’s sin issues will rub you in such a way that you will have no where else to go but God, and if you are trying to deal with the sin in your own power, you will not be able to do it. That is why there are divorces today, even in the “Christian homeschooling courting” circles.

And as another side note, the cultures of the 30’s and 40’s were very different than today. Back then people watched The Wizard of Oz, Gene Autry, Casablanca, and Sergeant York. Nowadays people watch Sin City, The Exorcist, and What If. And 50 Shades of Grey was one of the most popularly watched trailers this year. If we’re going to go back to dating the way they did it, we need to completely change our morals, the way we dress, movies we watch, get rid of the internet, etc.

“But,” someone says, “I dated and my life is great!”

We should be seeking whatever Gods best or Gods will is for us… not ask if God is okay and can still use what we are doing.

There are people with an amazing testimony of being delivered from drugs or alcohol. God has used them to reach hundreds of people. Does that mean we too should go out and use drugs so we can reach people? No.

A formula producing the results we want isn’t the way we decide truth. God tells us what we should do and the more obedient we are to his word - the more glorifying we are too him.

One of the best ways to bring honor to God is to release full control to him and trust him for everything so that he gets the glory for the result. Please read part 2 if you would like more info on seeking God in marriage.