Part 2: God's Plans Are Not Fundamentally Flawed

This post was written in response to Thomas Umstattd Jr’s post called “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed”. In Part 1, I went over why dating isn’t scriptural and the main problem with it and courtship (if you haven’t read it, I would encourage you to read it, so that you understand where I’m coming from). Neither dating or courting can be found in the Bible, but God did tell us a way to go about relationships. In this post I will be discussing the instruction He has given to us about it.

But first I just want to say….

Our main purpose on earth is not to get married.

Sorry to pop your balloon, but it’s not.

“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.” Matthew 28:19-20

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:12-13

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. - James 1:27

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, - Matthew 5:44

Remember the prisoners, as though in prison with them, and those who are ill-treated, since you yourselves also are in the body. - Hebrews 13:3

Are you laying down your life—giving up your desires to meet the needs of others, and serving?  Are you sharing the gospel, and making disciples, as God gives you opportunities? Are you taking care of widows and orphans, and giving of yourself and your things to care for the poor? Are you loving and praying for those who hate you? Are you praying for the persecuted church—those who are in chains and suffering for the sake of Jesus’ name?

These things are God’s will for our lives—the things we know from Scripture that He wants us to do. Marriage is not the ultimate purpose for our existence. God has ways for us to serve Him—things He has called the married, and the unmarried to do in His name, and for His glory. There are so many things you (and I) can do as singles that would not be possible if we were married. We have this unique time to serve God in this capacity.

Don’t be like the brother of the prodigal son who thought that obedience would earn him what he wanted from his father (e.g. go out and serve God so that you can find a spouse). Instead, leave everything up to the Lord - even who you marry. And be content and thankful with where He has you and what He has you doing.

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. - Matthew 6:31-33

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will do it. - Psalms 37:4-5

If God has a spouse for you, then you will get married.

Back to marriage….

It was Christmas at the Pennington house and much excitement was in the air due to a recent event - David had just begun courting Brittany about 2 weeks earlier. And in true Pennington fashion, my already married brother brought up a new biblical directive that we had never heard of. Something called “betrothal” (it’s called “espousal” in the KJV version).

Personally, “arranged marriage” was the first thought that popped into my mind, but I listened as Robert explained what he had been learning about it and David and Mom asked questions. The discussion lasted all day as we looked up verses and researched it online. It was not your average Christmas…

Here are some of the verses we found:

Exodus 21:9

And if he has betrothed her to his son, he shall deal with her according to the custom of daughters.

Jeremiah 2:2

“Go and cry in the hearing of Jerusalem, saying, ‘Thus says the Lord: “I remember you, The kindness of your youth, The love of your betrothal, When you went after Me in the wilderness, In a land not sown.

Hosea 2:19

“I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy;

Matthew 1:18

Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Spirit.

2 Corinthians 11:2

For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.

Right about now you’re probably looking the same way I did when I read those verses. And what do those verses have to do with marriage nowadays? What exactly is “betrothal?”

Let me see if I can explain it clearly…

The main differences between courting and betrothal is that in courting, you fall in love before there is a commitment. In betrothal, you have a commitment before romance. Betrothal allows you to fall in love with your intended in all purity because from the start you are covenanted to each other and there is no fear of it being “broken off”.

Betrothal starts out a lot like courtship. The Lord will often point a young lady out to a guy and he,  while being careful to guard his heart, will start asking God for confirmation: Is she the one? After receiving confirmation about said girl, he will tell his parents and they will start praying. After praying about said girl and getting confirmation that she is who he is supposed to marry, his parents give the blessing to go to the girl’s father and get his permission to marry (not court) the girl (i.e. become betrothed). After the father of the girl prays about it, if he thinks that is the way the Lord is leading, he will tell his daughter. Once the daughter is told, there is only two options to pray about: is it God’s will that she marry him, or not? If she believes that it is God’s will that he is the guy she is supposed to marry, they will become betrothed, and then they will start getting to know each other better and “fall in love”. Usually at that point, there has been no romantic anything happening with the couple, as they have been walking in complete pure trust in where God is leading them, and treating each other as brother and sister in the Lord. But, they are not necessarily strangers to each other. Some couples have known each other for years in simply a casual friendship, others God brings together when they are older and ready to be married.

That is the main difference between courtship and betrothal. Our culture nowadays will not get into a serious relationship without “falling in love” first. But God does it differently. He wants you to trust Him with everything, including trusting Him when He points out a certain someone to you.

Once the couple agrees that it is Christ’s plan for them to get married, there is usually a “betrothal ceremony” where the marriage covenant is witnessed by the family (and any other important people). From that point on, they are viewed as husband and wife. You go straight from being brother and sister in the Lord, to being husband and wife. They have written and signed a covenant, and it can not be broken off unless you file for a legal divorce (see Jesus’ parents, Mary and Joseph’s relationship in scripture - Matthew 1:18-21).”

Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Mark 10:9

And if you look in the Bible, it is also the way of God’s relationship with us.

Hosea 2:19

“I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy.

God loved us before we knew Him. And when we accept Christ as our Savior, He takes us as His “betrothed”. We don’t fully know God when we accept Him as our Savior and Husband, but we fall more in love with Him as we know Him, learn about Him, and spend time with Him.

In the same way that a husband comes for his bride on the day of the wedding, Jesus will return for his bride the church. This ultimate betrothal will culminate with the “marriage supper of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:6-9).

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. - 1 Corinthians 13:12

As with trusting God with any aspect of your life, this is probably going to be hard to do at first. But that is why it is there, because God wants you to grow in your love and trust for Him and have to step out of your comfort zone so that He can grow you.

Disclaimer:

Along with nearly every single other approach to snagging a mate for life and lowering the divorce rates, any approach is fundamentally flawed unless the Lord is the one being sought and is the heart of the relationship.

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Oh, and in case you're wondering about David and Brittany...

David called Brittany on Christmas night after we spent the day going over betrothal and he showed her the verses we had found about it and how it seemed to be the scriptural way to go about a relationship. She agreed, and they ultimately became betrothed. It was blessing to be able to watch them in their relationship and see the joy and the purity with which they conducted themselves.