Marriage Expectations


“We’re not perfect, but we’re perfectly imperfect for each other”, she replied, smiling as her eyes divulged the many emotions she was feeling.
Today I was thinking about couples that I know. Some are together, some just had painful break-ups, some are in the process, and some just smile at each other from across the room. The friend that I was talking to that said the above quote is in one of the more pleasant categories and I’m excited for them! Not just in a, “Oh! Its another cute couple!” but in a “I know they’ve prayed a lot about this, they know each other, they’ve been friends, and they don’t have unrealistic expectations” way.
I’ve seen so many couples going into relationships with unrealistic expectations, only to have their heart broken because the other person didn’t fulfill them in the ways they wanted, or they discovered that they were a sinner, or maybe they just plunged in too hard too fast without really knowing the other person and the direction they were going.
Recently God has been teaching me about expectations for the future, whether it be my idea of what I want the rest of my life in missions to look like or what I’d like my husband to be like.
I was in love with a guy. I was praying about him and unbeknownst to me he was praying about me. We seemed compatible: similar theology, loved Jesus and serving Him, and we could do everything together; we “got” each other. Our relationship was so easy and just flowed.


But we weren’t compatible.


Because even though we could do things together, our life direction was not compatible. I’m planning on doing international missions for the rest of my life and he’s interested in ministry in the states. And even though he met all the ideas I had about what I wanted a future spouse to be like, we were going two different directions and that made us incompatible.
My expectations for a future spouse didn’t end up being what was the tie-breaker; God’s direction did. Even though my expectations were good they weren’t what God’s were, and I had to change them and ask Him, “What does a compatible couple even look like?”
1)     They die to their flesh. Marriage is humbling and challenging and painful, and the other person will not always look like a cherub. There will be times you’ll have to go take quiet walks alone to process and calm down after disagreements and times you’ll have to kill your flesh immediately on the spot. They seek to put the other person in front of them (not that they always do it perfectly, but they strive to).
2)     They’re often not the most compatible in regards to similar hobbies. Not that they hate each other’s interests but hobbies are not the cornerstone of their relationship.
3)     Jesus is the CENTER. Most of the most compatible couples are the ones where Jesus is always the center of their relationship. Jesus is always there. Even though on first look you might wonder how they’re even together, it’s all Jesus.
4)     They’re going towards a common goal. They didn’t just get married because it seemed like a good idea at the time and they were “in love” with the person (in my very limited experience with love, it is possible to “fall in love” with anyone so it’s not a very good excuse). They were going towards something that God had put in them and God brought them together.


Marriage isn’t just about finding someone you can do everything with. It isn’t just about finding a follower and believer of Jesus that knows and serves Him. It isn’t just about finding someone that is easy to talk to, or makes you feel safe. There is so much more. We tend to think that if we have those and they know and love Jesus, it’s all good! But it actually goes deeper. God has put into each of us a vision, a purpose. Something that makes our heart come alive. And the hard reality is that if the person you think you’d like to marry doesn’t have that same vision, they might not be who you’re supposed to marry.


Are you called to business? Marry someone who will cheer, champion and encourage you towards God while in the workplace! Are you called to inner-city ministry? Marry someone who doesn’t mind gun-shots at night and has a heart for restoration! Are you called to international missions? Marry someone who wants to travel in tight buses, sing songs in another language, and doesn’t mind squatty potties and bucket showers!*              
*international conditions dependant on country and must also endure said conditions cheerfully


The phrase I used to hear all the time was, “Run after God and if someone keeps up, marry them!” And while that is somewhat true, it is also vague. All Christians should be running after God, but that doesn’t mean you should marry just anyone. There are many people you will be working with that might complement you, but you shouldn’t marry them. There will also be those that you “think” you should marry because you get along so well, but you’re called different places, so you shouldn’t marry them, either.


Marriage is not the end goal. We do not get married and go, “Aha! I have completed my quest!” Marriage is only a beginning. It is choosing your partner for the rest of the adventure that God has put into your heart, whether that be missions, the workplace, or a mix of both. It is choosing someone who complements your strengths and weaknesses to create a whole*. This is the person you’re going to be awake with in the middle of the night when they’re doubled-over losing their dinner and the morning breath you’ll be smelling for the rest of your life.
*not saying that couples that are similar are bad, but opposites do attract and complement


To fulfill God’s vision for your life, you might have to say, “No.” “No” to a certain job, a certain lifestyle. “No” to those eyes looking and pleading into yours. I understand the wrestle, oh do I understand! Arguing and wrestling with God, “But can’t this work….?!”, knowing that it was incompatible.


But take courage! It is worth it. You will never regret going hard after Jesus, but you will regret not following Him fully.


There is never a time where we give God something and He does not give us something better. It might not happen immediately, but God really does work everything out for the good of those that love Him (Romans 8:28), even if it hurts initially. I have seen Him, time and time again, provide so much more than I ever thought possible, because I gave Him everything. I gave Him my career. I gave Him my talents. I stopped doing things that took my attention away from Him (He is a jealous God), and instead He gave me new things to do for Him that I love! He took my talents and gave me venues to use them!
And regarding finding someone to marry, I would take a second look at your “must be’s” for your future spouse. A lot of time singles (specifically women) get caught up in looks and things they’ll have to do for you, etc. But what type of character do you want him to have? What do you want her strength of character to be? Do you want someone who watches tv* every evening or do you want someone who gets up every morning and reads their Bible and intercedes? Do you want someone who is constantly seeking to grow in their relationship of God, or are content where they are? I would humbly suggest, take out a pen and paper and ask God what He wants your spouse to be. Don’t write it based on what you think the person you’d like to marry should be like, but ask God what they are already like. And then pray the list over them! Pray that they wouldn’t be distracted by the enemy, that they would have joyful surrender and complete obedience to God, etc. Also, prepare yourself! Are you kind? Patient? A servant? You’re not looking for perfection, but a daily desire to increase to be more like Jesus and live like Him.
*not saying that watching TV is evil or that if you watch it you don’t read your Bible


Through it all, though, just trust God. Everything will be revealed in His perfect timing as you wait.


“Love is not an emotion; it’s a policy and a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances. It’s something that can be learned and that we can grow in. Biblical love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved—none of us deserves Christ’s sacrifice— but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love: “We love because he first loved us”.”
Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search

“I want to make a promise to you: if you will seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness and let that agenda drive your decision regarding whom you choose to marry and refuse to compromise on that, you will set yourself up for a much more fulfilling, spiritually enriching, and overall more satisfying marriage. The degree to which you compromise on this verse is the degree to which you put your future satisfaction in jeopardy and open wide the door to great frustration and even regret.” Gary L. Thomas, The Sacred Search

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