Humility

Humility has never been the easiest thing for me.

I always put a lot of pressure on myself when I’m doing anything in front of people; especially when I sing. I have always had/have a deep fear of messing up, i.e. squeaking when I hit a high note, etc.

Lately, God has really been dealing with me on this subject. Whenever I sing in front of people (by myself), my throat tightens, my heart-rate increases, and my face turns red(der). I always want it to be perfect. It has to be perfect! I’ve always been told to strive to do my best, unfortunately, I took it a little too literally. Anything other than a perfect performance, and I’m discouraged.

Now, by this time, you’re probably thinking, “Make a joyful noise to the Lord! It doesn’t have to be perfect!” Which is something I’ve been told over-and-over again, but I haven’t really accepted it. I mean, aren’t we supposed to do everything as unto God? As if He was right there? Does that not mean that we’re supposed to do our best? Yes and no.

We are supposed to do our best, but we’re also supposed to leave the results up to God. We should not be agonizing over things that we do. If God has called us to do it, He has a reason for it. In my case this past month, it was to teach me humility.

Some of you know, and some of you don’t know, that at the beginning of this month, David and I went up to Lake Hamilton to help at their annual Family Camp. And they had a grand piano. So, in-between lunch and swimming, I would go and play the piano. On Thursday, I was asked to play the offertory for Friday evening, and then sing and play a special (because they had also heard that I sang).

I had four songs that I was thinking about singing, but I finally narrowed it down to two: Before the Throne of God Above, and Be Thou My Vision. Be Thou My Vision is my fall-back song; it’s got great lyrics and it’s not too hard to sing. Before the Throne of God Above, on the other hand, is better for group singing (in my opinion); but the lyrics for the song fit what was going on at camp better. (For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics, click here.) I felt that God wanted me to sing Before the Throne of God Above. Truthfully, I did not want to sing it, because I felt my “performance” would not be as good. Whenever I sing in front of people, my focus immediately goes off of praising my Savior, to making sure I sound good. And God was going to use this evening to change that.

As I started playing and singing, God started convicting me that I was just going through the motions. I was just repeating the words; there was no praise in it. I was putting on a facade of praise, because I was more worried about how I sounded than letting go of everything and singing only to Christ; which is the only thing I should be thinking about when I’m singing.

Which comes back to pride. The definition of pride is: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. Instead of humbling myself before my Creator and simply praising Him for the ability to sing, I think I have to do something! As if I am trying to impress God (or at least those listening)!

As I was singing, God started showing me that I wanted man’s praise, not God’s. I was too focused on what man thought of me, than my Creator, who could see my heart-attitude and why I was singing. Even if I am able to pretend well enough that other humans think that I’m praising God, I will never be able to fool God.

It was quite a humbling experience. And a freeing one. I was finally able to let go and just sing, and if my voice didn’t sound perfect, who cares! People should be paying attention to the lyrics more than my voice, anyway. Considering that God gave me my voice, I think I should be using it to worship Him, not entertain people.

You know, I am so glad that God doesn’t judge us by our performance. Could you imagine that? Trying to impress God?! I think we’d have better luck trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle...