A Right Of Passage

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

1 Corinthians 13:11

I did not want to grow up.

I wanted the benefits of being a grown up, but I did not want the responsibilities. I wanted to be treated like a grown up, but still act like a child - an “adolescent”.

Except, it’s not possible. I have tried. You either act like an adult and get treated like an adult, or you act like a child and get treated like a child.

For most of my life, I have been tall for my age. When I was 6 people thought I was 9. When I was 9, people thought I was 12. When I was 12, people thought I was 16, and so on. You get the picture… Some people still think I’m older than I am.

Since I was taller, and everyone thought I was older than I was, they treated me like I was older, and my maturity level increased to said older age.

And, I have to admit, I enjoyed it.

But, when I turned 14 or 15, I decided I wanted to try acting my age, not the age everyone thought I was and expected me to act like.

As fun as it had been going places and having the jobs that the rest of the kids my age could not have (for example: I don’t know many 11 year olds that have been completely in charge of a VBS group as a team leader... ), my maturity level separated me from many of my peers. I’d be around different teenagers at different churches, and I could not make a connection with most of them. Even though I’m the youngest sibling by five years in my family, I felt more like an older sibling when we went to events. I decided to start acting my age.

So I spent a couple happy years acting normalish; I found it was fun to be an irresponsible kid. It did not seem quite right, but I kept doing it. I’m just making up for not being more like a kid when I was younger, I justified to myself.

It was fun to be able to talk on the same level as the other teens. It was nice to just follow the crowd and not be the responsible one. I enjoyed being immature.

One night, I even made some prank calls with a couple friends. And all the time it was happening, I knew it was not right, but I kept doing it. I blamed my guilty feelings on having an overly-sensitive conscience; what we did obviously did not bother the other kid’s conscience. Or maybe it used to, but they ignored it for so long they could not hear it any more.

I acted that way because I did not want to be different anymore. I wanted to be “normal”, like everyone else.

I have felt different than others my age for many years. Which I guess should not surprise me since my family has always been different. Our aim as a family as Christ-followers has always been to be “Jesus Freaks,” whether at church or the store. We were raised to be different - set apart - for as long as I can remember.

And I had a battle in my soul against that. Do I really want to be that different? That radical? A lot of the other kids my age aren’t like that; why can’t I just be normal? Go to church, read the Bible, say some good things; I don’t have to be crazy or anything.

Except, I do.

Because I have been bought by the Lamb who is worthy to receive all glory and power forever and ever. My life is not my own. I am nothing. But He is in me, and He is everything. Because of Him, I am different, because He calls me to be different.

I used to think I was different because there was something wrong with me. I was too sensitive, or I thought too differently than everyone else, or something. But, it’s not me. It’s Him, in me. And He has called me for His purpose, to serve Him and be His ambassador wherever I go, in-spite of me. Whether by teaching kids at a revival, or sharing the joy that God has given me with a smile.

I think this is part of growing up; realizing that there is far more to life than yourself and what you want. Serving God. Knowing God. Loving and being loved by God. Following Him unashamedly and passionately.  

This year, I have been called to grow up. When this year began, I wrote in my journal that I knew that God was going to do something special this year, and I think this is part of it.

I did not want to grow up, because I knew I would have to put down my childish wants and take on adult responsibilities and leadings. After organizing and leading a children's ministry over the past couple months, God has really shown me that I cannot be a child any more. Because I cannot serve where He has called me to serve, while clinging onto childish things. It is time to put down being a child, and be the Woman of God He has called me to be.

I don’t know what’s ahead, what trials or tribulations I may face, but I do know God will give me the strength to accomplish whatever needs to be done. He always has before.

What about you? Is God calling you to put down your childish things? Our culture promotes adolescence, and even among Christians it is prevalent and accepted. Except the Bible does not give any room for adolescence. You are either a child, or a man or woman; you can’t be both. Are you ready to put down the lies of adolescence?

Are you ready to live for Christ?

I will not be satisfied.

I will not let my passion be held in a bottle.

I will not let my light be hidden.

I will stand up.

I will let my voice be heard.

I will lead, I will serve, I will fight.

I will tell people about Christ.

I will unsheathe my sword.

It’s time to raise a revolution.

God will give me the strength.

-BJ Higgins, 1989-2005