All My Life's a Song
Once upon a time, there was a little sister that adored her older brothers. She wanted to go everywhere with them, and hung on their every word.
One day, one of her brothers was in a rather grouchy/sour mood, and as she casually remarked about a certain woman singer that they didn't like, her brother snapped, "Well, she sings better than you."
You could have heard a pin drop.
The little girl gasped at such a comment and became silent as she tried to hold back tears. Her whole world had just been turned upside down.
She loved singing. She grew up singing in choir with the same above brother, and could often be found singing merrily through the house.
But all that changed in an instant. All because of six words. She never was the same again.
And I should know, because that little girl was me.
In an instant, all of my fears were manifested. I had always been terrified that I didn't sing well, and people just told me that I did because they were just trying to encourage me or be nice.
I didn't know how I was going to go on with singing, so I started by no longer singing in the house when anyone else was around. If they don't like me singing, then I'll stop, I convinced myself. I'm crying as I write this, since I am able to look back on the last 8 years and see what the repercussions were because I stopped singing in the house. And how my family really did want to hear me sing.
Our mom has always encouraged us to use our talents and abilities for the Lord, so she was regularly looking for opportunities for me to sing at different ministry events. I did not enjoy it, though. I had never enjoyed singing solo (why sing by yourself when you can sing with everyone else?), and my brother’s comment was always in the back of my mind, haunting me.
As I sang at different events, I would have people come up to me that did not know me and they would tell me how well I sang the song. I didn't believe them, persuading myself that 1) - They didn't know anything about singing and/or 2) - They were just saying it to be nice.
Because I was sure that what my brother had told me was correct.
He was always correct, so why would he be wrong now? It is said that the people closest to you are sometimes the only ones that will tell you the truth, even if it hurts. I convinced myself that that was what he had done. Of course, my mom tried to tell me that I had a lovely voice, but mothers tend to be biased so I didn't trust her opinion, and my other brother never said much. So, I had two conflicting, stark opposites from two of the people closest to me. And I was confused.
Years went by, I sang at more events, was invited to sing at others, but still my brother's comment followed me.
And it wasn't like he was always telling me that I sounded terrible. In fact, he's never said anything even remotely close to it since then. In fact, he never even knew that I had so completely internalized his comment. I didn't tell him anything about it until about 6 years had passed, and he was shocked and saddened to learn that his comment was what had silenced me.
Around that same time, I had the opportunity to take voice lessons from a dear friend of ours. Oh, good! I thought, Now I can finally learn how to sing well,, or at least learn how I really sound.
Once I started taking lessons, though, I was faced with another dilemma; in one way, I was even more in front of people (because of recitals), but in another way, the lessons were detrimental. Let me explain.
Being Classically trained means that you know exactly how to sing that sounds the best and most pure. Which means that all the lessons were pushing for perfection (naturally). I learned how to hold my head, what my posture should be, where my arms should be positioned, where my tongue should be resting, how to drop my jaw and relax my throat so that the notes "float", how to breathe through my diaphragm (not my chest), how to enunciate words correctly, how to "drop down" onto notes, and many other details that you had to keep in mind while singing.
And having all that knowledge really helped me; I finally became comfortable singing since I knew how to make the notes sound perfect (it takes a lot of concentration to remember everything). I then was faced with a different problem; I could tell when I was singing and it wasn't "perfect". It wasn't bad, it just wasn't perfect.
I have the problem of being a people-pleaser and always want to do things the absolutely best way that I can. As I wrote in "To Sing Or Not To Sing?", I had to learn that most of the time that I sang, I wasn't doing it for God, I was doing it for man's accolade. I had to completely change my way of thinking about singing and refocus my eyes completely on Him.
My problem, all through those years, was that I wanted to be perfect. I yearned for compliments from people and they were probably the only reason I kept singing in public. I based my worth on what other people said of me.
I've spent the last year as God has been showing me what He wants me to do when I sing (Humility and To Sing Or Not To Sing?), and it has been very freeing to no longer have to be self-conscious about my voice; I am simply called to praise Him with my whole being, no matter what is going on around me or how I'm feeling at the time.
Now, you probably didn't need to know all that, but I wanted to share it and what I've learned. This part of my life is one of those things that you wonder how it is going to turn out, and then you get to the end of it and realize, "Oh! That is how all of these different things affect each other!"
It has not only showed me things about truly praising God, but also things that apply to other areas of my life.
#1 - Tell someone. I don't know how many times I've heard that over the years. "If you have a problem, you need to tell someone." Though for some reason, I didn't think it applied to me or maybe since it wasn't something that I dealt with everyday, I didn't realize it as a huge problem.
Looking back, if I had simply told my brother, "What you said really hurt me, and this is why...", it would have saved me so much grief and anguish. In fact, if I had told anyone about it, we would have at least been able to work through it together. But, I didn't, because I was going off of #2...
#2 - Fear. Don't listen to fear. It doesn't make any sense, it really doesn't. I was trying to think of why I hadn't told my brother, and the only reasons I could come up with were probably a) He really meant what he said, and if I brought it up again, he would surely only confirm that what he said was true. b) What if I told him and he made light of it? Having someone make light of your pain is worse than never telling them.
Fear... those reasons reek of it. Fear that he'd do this or react this way. Fear that I'd be embarrassed for giving into fear. I've lived a life that is so self-conscious and fearful of what people think of me, that it was crippling. And I was so good at acting like nothing was wrong, that no one ever knew...
#3 - Your words are very powerful. James 3:6, 9 says, And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity... With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God.
Our words can make huge impact on other's lives, whether good or bad. It made me realize how we should always be watching what we're saying, no matter if we're *tired* or not feeling well...
Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt... Colossians 4:6
...because we never know who is watching.
All of us have someone looking up to us, whether it be a younger sibling, or a friend. It is amazing to me how one person can change the way someone else views something so dramatically. Be careful, ever so careful about how you respond/react to things; you will always have someone watching and following your lead.
...In all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned... Titus 2:7-8
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 6:16
And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Colossians 3:17
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. Romans 12:1
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